Emotions - Shall I 'wear my heart on my sleeve' or 'stay strictly professional'?

On a recent training module covering difficult conversations, the Group were debating this issue - in fact it's one we find is discussed a lot.

A female participant, a strong character (and someone I had every reason to imagine to be an effective project manager) said "If I show my emotions I'm just going to get labelled as an emotional woman".

So, why this anxiety?  How do we respond to people who display their emotions in the course of getting things done?  Which works best, to reveal or contain our feelings?  And is it different for men and women in the world of project delivery?

Here are eight ideas on how to put your emotions to good work, at least as I see it.  They are not intended as a formula, but hopefully each has some merit.... 

• Show your feelings - If something really matters to you yes, let us feel how much you care.
• Body and tone are more impactful than words alone. Put the whole piece together.
• Don't 'lose it' altogether - try to stay aware of your emotions, notice them, without letting them swamp you. If you need to, step away.
• Name it (say how you are feeling) - sometimes just making explicit what we are sensing in you makes a difference for us.
• Make it balanced (for me). If you are sometimes angry with me, I may be more receptive if you also show genuine concern with my own struggle and pleasure when I succeed.
• Analogue not digital - If the emotions you show me only have two levels; 'off' and 'off the scale' then you become risky and unpredictable to me. I'll be 'walking on egg shells'.
• A full set - If I experience a variety of emotions in you I am less likely to label you. So can you also show joy at a milestone success or shock at a poor test result and laughter at the funny things that happen daily?
• Be true to yourself - Is this an honest emotion or your wooden creation? I promise you that at some level I will know the difference. I actually don't need to see perfect delivery, but I do need to trust you and where it's coming from. Try not to think of crafting feelings and pushing them out. Better perhaps is sensing them, accessing then and revealing them in their own way from behind the 'professional' masks that often we have worked so hard in our careers to grow.

I do want to work with people who care, who express themselves, and enliven project work.  But as a member of the human race, I am also capable of plucking out labels for e.g. the 'emotional (man or) woman' or if you are 'high maintenance'.  It's a tricky balance for you to strike.

So above are a few thoughts on emotions in our work on projects, along with 8 ideas on how to make the best of them.  I have no doubt this blog can be improved upon and I'd love (J) responses which add to, or challenge it.

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